Published on March 11th, 2014 | by Geckos Tales Team
16 ANIMALS THAT HAVE BETTER BEARDS THAN YOU
Beards are everywhere these days. Men have taken to sporting the facial fluff like it’s going out of fashion. What’s important to remember, though, is that no matter how good your beard is, there’s always going to be an animal with a better one. Travel: unveiling the best beards of the animal kingdom since forever.
1. Ibex – Europe
Graceful, horned, elegant, agile, massive beard.
Not only is this monkey an emperor, it also has a mustache to make even the most mustached of men jealous.
3. Bearded dragon – Australia
Part dragon, part beard. This animal wins extra points for having the most kickass name out of all of the animals.
4. Seal – just about everywhere
No, not ‘Kiss from a Rose’ Seal. We might not have seen him for a while, but we don’t think he has a massive beard. If he did, we’d know.
A lion has a beard that circumnavigates its entire neck. It’s probably the biggest beard in the animal kingdom. Some people try and call this beard a “mane”, but those people are idiots. It is a massive beard.
6. Most dogs – just about everywhere
How many dogs have you seen with massive beards? Our guess is more than you’ve seen without beards. Saying that, we’ve never seen a sausage dog with a beard. Special mention goes to schnauzers, Scottish terriers, west-highland terriers and bearded collies. Apologies to those dogs who didn’t make this list. There’s always next year.
7. Markhor – Afghanistan
These creatures are found in Afghanistan, Pakistan, Indian Kashmir, Tajikistan and Uzebekistan, and they have absolutely glorious beards. Perhaps the most glorious of them all.
8. Goat – Southwest Asia and Eastern Europe (originally)
The goat is probably the most famous of all the bearded animals, having featured in such films as Goat Wars: Revenge of the Beards and The Lion, the Witch, and the Massive Goat’s Beard.
9. Bearded pig – Borneo, Philippines, Malaysia
One-upping its unbearded relatives, the bearded pig is the most respected pig in the pig world. Often mistaken for wizards, bearded pigs are found in Borneo and are almost as rare as mustached elephants. Almost.
10. Bison – North America
Bison are most well known for having massive heads. A lesser-known fact about bisons is that fact that they also have massive beards. They also have a haircut that is almost identical to that of Captain Spock.
11. Catfish – everywhere except Antarctica
No, they are not whiskers. That is a massive beard.
12. Orangutan – Borneo and Sumatra
Men often find that for no reason in particular, their beard turns ginger when it gets to a certain length. This has concerned men for centuries, but for no reason. The orangutan is a testament to just how handsome a massive ginger beard can be.
We are of the opinion that all tigers were jazz musicians in their past lives. The proof is in the soul patch.
14. Iguana – Central America and Polynesia
Mostly reptile, partly beard.
15. Turkey – North America
Some call them dewlaps, we call them Turkey beards.
16. Highland cattle – Scotland
The highland cattle has an extra-special place on this list (last, and therefore best place) because their entire body is essentially a beard. You cannot have met a highland cattle and dispute this. We have emailed UNESCO and requested that all highland cattle be declared a UNESCO World Heritage Site because of this fact.